God, what is going on? Why?

My uncle died yesterday. In December, he had pancreatitis. Many complications, back and forth between the ICU & regular unit at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis. He had been on a vent, had been off, could only have liquids, could finally eat solid food. Lost... a huge amount of weight. 50 plus pounds.

He got worse. They pulled the plug Sunday night, when my grandmother & other uncle could be there. Arrangements are pending.

Ronnie had a great sense of humor. I got my first Star Trek book from him. Appropriately enough it was the first in the James Blish series. The one with a green Mr. Spock on the front cover. He was only 5 years older than me. He died at 51. He was married twice, to Joni and to Rhonda. I remember thinking that Ron & Rhonda was too cute to be true.

Damn.

I know I'm selfish for wanting him to stay, to be here. To get better. He's too young to die. too late. my sister was only 42.

My car's transmission problems seem minor now. Throw some money at it and it will be fixed. So many things going on. So much grief. I need to study up on this.. I'm getting older and need to know how to cope with this stuff.

I'll make some hot tea. Do a face mask. start knitting something simple. My daughter wants some baby booties for some people at work. I think the hope of a new life would be good medicine for this evening. And when i can't deal with the day any longer. I'll go to bed. and cry.