So when I start crying.. I don't want to bother anyone else.. I'm in a mean mood. I've poisoned the last several phone calls... being mean and assertive, rather than asking.

You see, I'm feeling pretty abandoned.. and I see the light at the end of the tunnel... but everything hurts. All the dust is causing my allergies to kick up.. The old papers are depressing and even more allergens are released in the air.

And gratitude listing is just as depressing... I mean.. I'm grateful that I'm moving to FL to be away from my baby daddy and his wife... I'm grateful I didn't send her the nasty e-mail... Although I still love the last line of it..."Maybe you can forget that his dick was inside a 10 year old, but I can't." The best part of it is that she'll argue with me that the child wasn't 10, and wasn't innocent. (the child was within 2 years of 10.... and the law doesn't differentiate between a child who "seduces" an adult... as he claimed... and for the record... he was in his 50's at the time....)

Yep, I've had drama in my life... As recently as last year, he worked for me tearing down a shed, and filling a dumpster. He was supposed to do the leaves. I paid for a bunch of work... and he did what he wanted to do because he wanted to buy the house. Then came the break. I don't remember what caused me to snap... the money I was spending to fix Brad's house, etc.

God, what is going on? Why?

My uncle died yesterday. In December, he had pancreatitis. Many complications, back and forth between the ICU & regular unit at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis. He had been on a vent, had been off, could only have liquids, could finally eat solid food. Lost... a huge amount of weight. 50 plus pounds.

He got worse. They pulled the plug Sunday night, when my grandmother & other uncle could be there. Arrangements are pending.

Ronnie had a great sense of humor. I got my first Star Trek book from him. Appropriately enough it was the first in the James Blish series. The one with a green Mr. Spock on the front cover. He was only 5 years older than me. He died at 51. He was married twice, to Joni and to Rhonda. I remember thinking that Ron & Rhonda was too cute to be true.

Damn.

I know I'm selfish for wanting him to stay, to be here. To get better. He's too young to die. too late. my sister was only 42.

My car's transmission problems seem minor now. Throw some money at it and it will be fixed. So many things going on. So much grief. I need to study up on this.. I'm getting older and need to know how to cope with this stuff.

I'll make some hot tea. Do a face mask. start knitting something simple. My daughter wants some baby booties for some people at work. I think the hope of a new life would be good medicine for this evening. And when i can't deal with the day any longer. I'll go to bed. and cry.

Mark died...

After I posted the new, I realized that I hadn't finished the old. Mark died.

Last weekend, I had lunch with his aunt, my friend, Susan. His ex-girlfriend has surfaced with a child that she says is his... Okay, the child is several years old... and there's no way to prove that it's his child. He was adopted, died, and cremated. So how could you prove it was his?

Argh.. people are so slimey... Anyway..

My sister died, the funeral is over, we're cleaning out her house.

I have her computer... so I can reboot, reload, and give to dad to give to another relative. She had a stamp collection that someone sent her...

Lots of Star Trek stuff... lots of strange stuff.. I miss her.

She was the one who kept up with people. She knew all the gossip. What she didn't know she made up. So my challenge is staying close, staying attached to a variety of relatives... some don't know me that well... or worse.. they know my dirty laundry.. but not my current wardrobe.

I've been thinking about who I am, and who I want to be... I've been isolating from my family. Now the doors are open.. and I need to keep them open.



At least I can write now.. for several lunch hours, I've sat, with an open pad of paper... and stared. I'd jot a grocery list.. I'd write a header.. "what i feel.." or "What I miss about Ginger.." and I don't know where to start.

The Story Thus Far....

So much & So little going on...

Under the "so much" category.... Susan's nephew (Susan, my dear friend) was in a car accident last Monday a.m. He's at the Wishard Hospital Burn Unit (best in the state)... 80-85% burns on his body, 60% chance of survival. Two surgeries down.. many to go... He's currently in a drug induced coma, until his body is ready for rehab. Susan is aching... her husband died in that hospital in January, 2000. Keep Mark in your prayers.

I've volunteered to help with the Indianapolis Fringe Theatre Festival... I'm working box office tonight, and next weekend. I'm hoping to catch some shows next week. Here's their website.. http://www.indyfringe.org/. The shows are different, interesting... they make you think and laugh... and sometimes make you mad.

Brad is in San Diego, so I'm moving things in the house... Time to change things.. I even bought a new ice cube container. Why? Well the old one is tourquoise... from 3, or 4 frigs ago... recently it was dropped, and now has a crack... realize the lip around the edge has been gone for... at least 10 years.. This new container is expected to last at least 50 years..

That would be the "so little." If I'm talking about the new ice cube container... well...

The rats (Kant, Plato & Rouseau) are doing well. Kant is older, balder. Plato scared us yesterday, he was soundly asleep... It took a second to see the chest movement. Rouseau would like us to stay home and scritch him all day..

I'm cleaning the middle room, so I can move the new (to me) couch into there..

Till later..

Life is like a computer game

Life is like a computer game... We learn as we go. Sometimes we develop bad habits, like clearing the board, when we should wait and go for the big score. We don't understand the scoring system. We may advance to the next level, but don't know how or why.

Sometimes in life, the scoring seems obvious. We got the job. We finished college. Othertimes, it is less obvious. We could/should have reacted differently to this stress. We missed an opportunity to make our life better, but chosing a different meal.

What is the score in life? Money saved? Perfect days? Waistline inches? Projects started/Projects finished ratio?

tai chi today, knitting tonight

I'm on a yarn diet, but it is working as poorly as my eating diet. There are many similarities. I can eat a lot, if I exercise a lot. I can buy a lot of yarn, if I knit a lot.

Right now, I'm burning through the acrylic, so I can get back to fun knitting. Let's see, big needles, double strands, and (my personal favorite) fringe. This kills a lot of the leftover yarn. Although some of the color combinations are... extreme... like the yuppie delight... my current scarf in (neon) pink and (bright) green. It may have purple fringe.. I haven't decided.

I've killed off most of the fleece yarn... yuck.. and worse, the micro soft yarn... it feels wonderful, but knots... constantly. I have five scarves rolled by my computer desk now.

I've also been making (for no apparent reason) brightly colored squares. I suspect they'll eventually be a scarf, baby blanket or.. who knows.

Bis Spater...

Thoughts on my life.

I now realize that I am a poor reader of people. Perhaps I read books too much as a child, and missed those informal social lessons. My family was a poor source of lessons. Invariably, the veneer was not the substance of the emotions. In most situations, what I thought was going on, wasn't really what was happening. The lies, the fakes, the alliances, the backstabbings. In contrast, my present life is (thankfully) quite boring.

In many ways I wander through life clueless as to what others are thinking and feeling. I'll catch the obvious, a co-worker crying; but miss the subtle, someone upset with something I've said. As a result, I appear to be a bull in a china shop. I comment, don't read the reactions, and continue to comment, when I should shut up.